The Live Men
by MinecraftNunoBin
Summary: <html><head></head>7 Sorcerers. One team. Why? To do whatever they want, and nobody can stop them. Unfortunately, a problem arises in the Sanctuary. The Live Men must help out. Or will they?</html>
1. A Brief Introduction

**This is a fan fiction. Everything in the world of Skulduggery Pleasant belongs to Derek Landy, who I personally think is the best writer EVER! But anyways. Now... The story.**

**(Takes place a few years before Sceptre of the Ancients. So no Valkyrie. At least, not yet.)**

**Chapter 1:Part 1**

**_Pluto Foul_**

"Pluto Foul."

Rocket McDagger ran his tongue around his mouth as he said it, as if tasting each letter. Apparently, it didn't taste very good. He spit at Pluto's feet and tried glaring at him with difficulty, due to Rocket's unfocused eyes.

"Careful, kid. I'm a necromancer. Draw power from death. So if I kill yo, I'll have no problem killing your boyfriend with some extra power, yasee."Pluto replied, calmly pointing at a large, scarred, bare-chested hulk of a man.

"That's. My. Dad."

"Same thing, innit?"

Rocket only growled as Pluto shoved past him.

Pluto was blinded by the bright lights as soon he came in. The music was deafening, and he could smell the stench of alcohol on everyone's breath. HE decided he didn't like clubs. It didn't matter. He was celebrating his 100th birthday, after all. Besides, Skulduggery would be here any second now. He looked at his watch and sighed. Pleasant was running late.

Suddenly, he felt a thick, warm liquid trickling down his back. A bullet had entered his shoulder.

"Where's Gordon?!" Skulduggery yelled, furious.

"Hey! You came! I knew you would, of course. I mean, what kind of friend doesn't show up for his buddy's 100th birthday party?"

"I don't know you."

"Aw, come ON! I know everything about _you_... I've collected all the bodies you've killed, for Pete's sake!"

Skulduggery's gun didn't waver.

"You are messed up." Skulduggery muttered.

"I know you are, but what am I?"

"I don't have time for this. For the last time, where is he?!"

"Please. Calm down, Lord Vile."

Pluto's body suddenly flew backwards, hitting the wall with such a tremendous force that the club threatened to collapse.

Before Pluto could react, a bony hand gripped his collar. Pluto felt his feet lose contact with the ground.

Skulduggery growled, "What do you know about that?"

"This is no way to treat your best buddy."

"I have a gun."

"I have a gauntlet."

A gauntlet materialised on Pluto's right hand. It seemed to be modelled after a penguin, with beady eyes, a stubby beak and menacing blades on the sides as flippers.

Skulduggery didn't have any eyes to widen in surprise, but he was surprised all the same as he flew back, skull still ringing from the punch.

"Buddies don't hit buddies," Pluto muttered, " And that was mean."

Shadows creeped around Skulduggery and strapped him to the wall. They constricted around his limbs and started covering his skeleton.

Suddenly, fingers snapped, and before Pluto could react, his suit caught on fire. Pluto only grinned and walked out, still burning fiercely.

Skulduggery was on him in an instant, holding Pluto tightly, not allowing any form of escape.

"You're coming with me." Pleasant growled.

"Fine. Fine. Gordon's under his bed, alright?"

"Seriously?"

"My mom never found me. Come to think of it, I never knew my mom. Never mind."

"You're going to prison."

"Splendid!"

Skulduggery only put on handcuffs on Pluto's wrists and Pluto felt the dramatic decrease in strength.

"Tell me when you find Valkyrie, mmkay?"

"What are you- Never mind." Skulduggery dragged him into the back and began his drive to the Sanctuary.

"How are you doing, by the way?" Pluto asked.

"Shut up."

"Why should I?"

"Because."

"Because?"

"Just shut up."

Pluto rolled his eyes and lied down. He smiled as a thought occurred to him, as quickly as the words poured out of his mouth.

"You better keep a close watch on the asylum. I won't be staying long."

"Oh, really? Who's going to break you out?"

"I don't know who he is. But he will free me."

Skulduggery fell silent, more out of annoyance than shock.

When they arrived, Skulduggery threw him. He literally tossed him like he was a sack of potatoes, giving him to the cleavers, who almost buckled under his weight. Pluto chuckled, unable to believe a cleaver had messed up. He kept that cheerfulness all the way throughout the trip to the asylum that awaited him.

**Chapter 1:Part 2**

**_Bob Neptuno_**

Bob calmly strolled across the ceiling and dropped to the floor silently. He put his hand on the lock and it clicked open. He grinned and carried on, continuing through the dark, damp corridor. He unsheathed his dagger as he moved closer to the corner. Something wasn't right.

A fist caught him across the jaw, but he caught it and slammed the assailant into the ground.

"Nice try. I hope this isn't personal." Bob said, kicking the skinny, blonde man hard.

"Here to kill Derek?" The man groaned.

"You know nothing of that."

"Nah, don't worry, I was hired to kill him too."

The other man smirked at Bob's surprise and pushed at the air, launching him at least ten feet back.

"I guess whoever gets there first gets it?"

_"Challenge accepted."_ Bob thought.

In the fight, he had noticed markings on the wall. Perfect. He tapped them twice each, then pressed his palm firmly on the door that appeared. Metal clinked, and he knew he was in.

Pushing it open, he felt a sudden sense of dread. The wall of darkness made him uneasy, but he pressed on.

Suddenly, the door shut behind in. A trap. Perfect. He backed up, into the arms of a cleaver. He struck back with his elbow, but another cleaver was there in an instant. He growled, but didn't say more as the man from before was escorted in by even more cleavers.

"Nice job." Bob smirked.

"Not like you did any better."

They just glared at each other as a man emerged from the shadows.

"The skeleton detective." They said in unison, hate dripping from their voices.

"Yes. Friends?" Skulduggery asked.

"No."

"Don't know him."

"Hm. I'll leave the cleavers to it, then." Skulduggery said, walking out of the room.

As soon as they were sure Skulduggery was gone, they lashed out against their captors. They looked at each other with a sort of grudging respect, then rushed to the corridor.

**Chapter 1:Part 3**

**_Vigorous Firm_**

Vigorous was annoyed by the setback, but that didn't matter. He had to get to his target before the other man did. His back still ached from the short fight, but he was a professional mercenary. He would not let this set him back too much. Derek Landy would have to be killed by Vigorous' hand, or he would get no money from it.

Vigorous suddenly stopped and snapped his fingers, making a flame in the darkness that came on him as quick as a bullet pierced his kneecap. It was followed up with a punch that sent him reeling. The light of Vigorous' flame briefly revealed a menacing skull before a wall of air pushed him against the wall, almost crushing him, but not quite.

Suddenly, hands grabbed Pleasant's shoulders and pulled him into the darkness. Fearful, Vigorous scrambled to get upright, supporting himself with the wall. A face emerged from the shadows. His curly brown hair looked quite childish, but was recognisable. The assassin. He let himself be pulled up.

"Name's Vigorous. Vigorous Firm." Vigorous said.

"Mine's Bob Neptuno. Let's go."

"What about the money?"

"The man who hired us, he worked for the Sanctuary. We have to go."

"Great."

Vigorous glanced at Skulduggery, then grinned, enjoying the detective's failure. Failures, actually. Twice in the span of minutes. He looked at the light at the end of the corridor, where a dimming lightbulb hung loosely. It gave him the creeps. He frowned as he remembered the skeleton's sense of humour that was often wasted on the humourless villains he fought.

"Third time's the charm, I guess." A familiar, velvety voice from behind him said.

It was a ruse. The failures were a trap, to make them team up and seemingly beat Skulduggery, to lead them straight into-

A wall of air flung them into a group of cleavers who quickly put shackles on them. As soon as Vigorous struggled, a cleaver put a scythe to his neck.

"Hmph. You wouldn't kill a prisoner." Vigorous snorted.

"I wouldn't place my bet on that." Skulduggery retorted.

Vigorous gulped in fear, his adam's apple coming dangerously close the the blade.

"Get them to the Sanctuary." Skulduggery said to the cleavers, and that was the last Vigorous and Bob saw of him… for a while.

**Chapter 1:Part 4**

**_Pinky Flower_**

Pinky looked at her burning house but did not weep, for she knew it would not be of any assistance, but a hindrance. If there were men still lurking about, she could dispatch them quickly and with ease, but if the man came, the man who had caused the fire himself. The man who set it on fire. The man named Ink. He was a man who served evil. Who… acknowledged his evil. No, not only that. He found humour in it. He embraced it. He worshipped it. Thus, his name was formed from his nature.

She knew all this because she had files on him. Even though she was but a child, she had great knowledge of many things, and many people. After all, being in a family of intellectuals was a great advantage.

She looked at the house, now no more than a large pile of firewood, soon to be cinders and ash. With a stony face, she vowed revenge upon her new enemy. The enemies of her family always rued their actions against her. Ink was to have no different fate. No special treatment. He would pay.

She flipped her penknife into the air and frowned. This man, this person named Ink. She remembered him. Personally. At least, that's what her gut told her, and she always trusted her gut. Strange. She didn't remember meeting him. But… No. It couldn't be. She flipped her penknife again and put it back in her leather jacket.

"I have other matters to attend to, Ink. Do not think this shall divert my attention from my mission. Farewell, and I hope for your safety that we do not cross paths again." She yelled to the roaring flame, and walked away.

**Chapter 1:Part 5**

**_Dionysus Twist_**

Twist teleported his hand inside a guard's stomach, causing such excruciating pain that the guard instantly fainted. When he removed his hand, the guard collapsed.

"Too easy." Dionysus said, smiling.

He quickly rushed up the wall to a large window, and gripped his gun tighter when he saw the great number of guards. He quickly formulated a plan in his head and kicked the glass, shattering glass and alerting the guards. As soon as they started firing, he teleported behind them.

The sound of his gunshots was drowned out momentarily by the other guards firing where he had once been, allowing him to dispatch a great number of them before the remaining guards stopped firing and noticed him.

"Poor fools." He remarked, as they realised they were out of ammo.

The next few minutes were a breeze for Dionysus, as none of the guards had any backup weapons. They mostly consisted of Elementals, and he could simply teleport his way in between them, letting them blast each other, until they caught on to it and went hand-to-hand. Which Dionysus countered easily, of course.

"This asylum needs decoration." He muttered, walking along the dank, dark, musty corridors of the building.

Suddenly, shouts echoed on his right. He smiled, knowing he was in the right place. He rolled his smoke bomb in the direction of the angry shouts and incoherent babbling. Although it lessened his ability of teleportation, obscuring his vision, making him unable to teleport around the room, it was sometimes necessary, such as now, as the warden was feared among even the most powerful of sorcerers.

He cursed when he tried, but failed, to remember the warden's magic discipline. All he knew was that it wasn't Elemental magic.

"Fat lot of good that's gonna do. One discipline out of a kajillion of others. Oh boy, this shall be fun." Dionysus muttered.

He crept up to the wall and crawled until he found the right one. He removed a key from his pocket and tried to put in in the keyhole of the cell, but a large, meaty hand wrapped around his throat and tossed him up to the ceiling. Without missing a beat, the warden started juggling Dionysus. Dionysus tried grabbing him, but the warden saw what he was trying and batted him away, figuring he must be a teleporter or dimensional shunter of some sort.

Suddenly, Dionysus was behind him and reached for him, but the warden was faster and kicked him in the groin. The warden grabbed him again, and this time, Twist felt his power leave him. He groaned as the warden kicked him out, slamming him into a wall.

"What's yer business here, boy?" he growled.

"I'm bored."

"I don't like lying."

"Do you have something against lonely people?"

The Warden punched him in the face, and blood trickled out of his nose.

"Ouch." Dionysus moaned.

"That's nothing compared to the pain you're about to receive, kid."

"Oh, I'm just showing you what you're gonna do in a few seconds.

"Excuse me, what?"

Twist twisted out of the warden's grip and bit his groin, following it up with a punch to the head, then jumping on him repeatedly.

"Ouch." The warden whimpered.

"Oh. You're much wimpier than I thought you were. Moaning is understandable, but yeesh. You're a freaking puppy dog," Dionysus said, shaking his head, "A cuddly little puppy dog."

Dionysus went back to the cell he was trying to unlock before, and opened it. He went to the one next to it and opened it as well. The mercenary and assassin. So similar, but so very different.

The assassin growled at him. Bob. Was it Bob? Yes. His name was Bob. Pity. For such a feared assassin, he had a horribly uncreative name.

"Why?" Bob asked, confused but still trying to assert dominance. As if he could have freed himself alone.

"I need you to help me." Dionysus answered nonchalantly.

"What's in it for me…" Bob looked at the mercenary, ask if just realising he was there. "For us?"

"Money? Fame? Power? Information? Whatever you want."

The assassin and mercenary looked at each other, as if coming to a conclusion.

"What do you need, exactly?"

"I'm making a team. We're going to whatever we want, goddammit, and none's gonna be able to stop us." Dionysus said, grinning.

"Sound good." The mercenary said.

"Great. Let's-" Dionysus suddenly became curious when he saw one of the prisoners grinning at him.

This wasn't unusual, after all. They were crazy, most of them. There was bound to be smiles. Maybe he was homosexual. Dionysus didn't discriminate. The stare was relentless.

"What's your name?" Dionysus called out.

"Pluto. Pluto Foul."

Dionysus raised a brow. This man, this… Pluto Foul clearly was amused by his presence.

"Wanna come with us?" Dionysus asked, even though he felt it was a bad idea.

"Ah." For a second Pluto looked thoughtful. Then he grinned again. "Of course."

"We're forming a-"

"I know. I'm not deaf. Well, mostly. Wait, maybe I AM. Oh my gosh, what if I am? Oh dear, my life is a lie! I'll never eat cake! You might be villainous hobos! But I heard what you said didn't I? Or… Or was it imagined? Well I say, children of the jail, let us rise up against these villainous hobos and FIGHT BACK. There is nothing more important than killing deathly hobos." Pluto blabbered, grinning all the way through his little speech.

"Alright…" Dionysus said, freeing him from his cage and shackles.

"We shall call ourselves the Live Men! I shall be the leader, of course." Pluto announced.

"Wait. We haven't even-" Dionysus started, but looked at him, and realised this wasn't one to mess with.

"Fine. Let's go."

**To be continued…**

**Next Time:**

**Get ready for Cerebrum Strange and Pinky Flower to get more involved. Oh wait, you don't know Cerebrum Strange yet. Pity. There is to be a plot soon, but not yet. Be patient, sorcerers.**


	2. Ink's Castle

**Chapter ****2****:Part 1**

**_Pluto Foul_**

The place stank. It reeked. It smelled absolutely foul. Neptuno seemed to be sharing Pluto's thoughts.

"Oi! Smells like Pluto's house in here."

Pluto glared at him.

"Sorry, but it's true. We were only in there to pick up your clothes, but my nose hairs were singed off within the first minute."

Dionysus stopped abruptly, then whispered, "Quiet."

"Yeah! Shut up, Pluto!" Vigorous yelled.

Everyone chuckled, until a shadow whipped around the corner.

"Go!" Dionysus yelled, and they charged into a room, only to find an empty room.

"Who are we looking for again?" Pluto asked.

"Pinky Flower." Dionysus replied.

"A kid?! On _our_ missions?"

"Well, so far our 'missions' have been nothing but hanging around and talking over tea. I think she can handle that, don't you?"

Pluto just muttered about the virtues of teatime without children, but said no more.

They continued along, every new room being darker than the first.

Suddenly, they heard a muffled yelling. Enraged. Pluto thought he could even hear a little fear. They stepped into the room, with remnants of wallpaper and curtain, and perhaps not surprisingly, a naked man. Strapped to a chair.

"What do you want?" He asked.

"You to put on some clothes." Dionysus replied.

The man looked annoyed, but turned his attention to a point directly behind them. His eyes widened.

"Nice try," Dionysus chuckled, "I've fallen for that before."

Suddenly, a shrill scream pierced the room, causing everyone in it to faint.

**Chapter 2:Part 1**

**_P****inky F****l****ower****_**

Pinky stopped sharpening her knife when her alarm clock buzzed. The men would be waking up soon. She turned around, almost with an air of royalty.

"I have a question that is simply burning away at me. What the hell are you doing here?"

** "**Enjoying the view. Very splendid, indeed." Pluto replied.

Pinky simply punched him in the face, silencing him.

"What my friend here was trying to say is," Dionysus began, glancing at Pluto, "We wanted to recruit you for our team."

Pinky glared at him. "The Live Men?"

"How'd you guess?"

"I have my sources."

"Is that a yes?"

"How would it be?"

"I dunno."

"Then shut up."

Dionysus cocked his head. Her british accent was getting annoying.

"What are you doing with that man?"

"None of your business."

"Shall I have to beat it out of you?"

"You can't. I hire the best people. Your chair blocks any magic from being used."

"Oh, really?" Dionysus chuckled, and disappeared, but reappeared, groaning.

"Told you."

Dionysus looked at her with a pained expression on his face, and tried a smile as he said, "I guess we have something in common. We hire the best people too."

Pluto's eyes flew open, a symbol glowed, and tendrils of shadow freed his teammates. He stood up, rubbing his gauntlet that had materialised on his arm. He chuckled and turned to Pinky, whose eyes narrowed.

Pluto suddenly threw a punch, but Pinky caught it and threw one of her own. It should have made even a 600 pound wrestler cry for their mothers, but Pluto didn't even flinch.

Pinky opened her mouth to scream, but Pluto kicked it shut. He laughed in glee and tossed her to the other side of the room.

"Fine," Pinky muttered, brushing off her pants, "I'll join. Doesn't seem too bad an idea, anyway."

"Splendid!" Pluto said, grinning from ear to ear.

**Chapter 2:Part 3**

**Kaiser Schnitzel**

Kaiser grunted as he lifted the weights, but made no sound when he threw it to the shadow flitting across the room, dodging it. He leaned in and threw a punch, but the shadow twisted, evading him.

"Gah. Get out!" Kaiser yelled, lashing out with a kick.

The shadow was eerily silent as it fought. It was quite disconcerting, actually.

"Cerebrum. Get off him. He'll be useful." A voice spoke out from the shadows.

The shadow turned to the direction of the voice near the broken window.

Pluto Foul regarded Kaiser with a strange sort of fascination, then said, "Sorry. Cerebrum Strange here tends to confuse 'attack' with 'hug'."

"I don't know you."

"I am Pluto Foul, Grand Mage of the Antarctic Sanctuary."

"There is no Antarctic Sanctuary.

"There _wasn__'__t._"

"But it's not official."

"I don't like officials."

"You are a stupid man."

"I get that a lot."

Kaiser was wary of this man. Just a few minutes, and Kaiser wanted to punch Pluto right in the nose.

Suddenly, a bunch of other strange people dropped in throughout the windows.

The brown haired one looked at Kaiser and cocked his head.

"Muscular. We could use you. Name's Dionysus." The man said, extending a hand to shake, but quickly pulling in back, in fear of getting it crushed, probably.

"I do not know what you mean. Use me for what? Why are you here?" Kaiser asked.

"First things first." Dionysus said, raising a finger. He turned to Pluto and pointed at the shadow. "You know that thing?"

"He's my friend. Cerebrum Strange." Pluto replied. "He'll join our team, he says."

"I didn't hear-"

"Only I can hear him."

"Right." Dionysus turned back to Kaiser. "We're the Live Men. We're gonna do whatever we want, basically. We'd also be unstoppable."

Kaiser looked at him and grunted, "Judging from your looks, I'd say you're murderers, thieves and basically scumbags."

"So…?"

Kaiser smiled and said, "I'm in."

**Chapter 2:Part 4**

**Bob Neptuno**

"We got seven members. Great. What's our first big plan of action?" Bob asked.

"We kill Ink" Pinky muttered.

"Anyone disagree?" Bob asked.

Pluto raised his hand and said, "Who made you the leader?"

"Me." Vigorous replied.

They started growling at each other until Kaiser stepped in between them.

"Why him?" He asked.

"He killed my family. Burned my house, along with all the information I had."

"Reasonable enough."

Pluto cast one last withering look at Vigorous before declaring, "It shalt be official! We shalt trek into the dark caverns of the villainous Ink's castle of terror and slay the vile beast-thing!"

Everyone murmured in agreement.

The next day, they were at the gates of Ink's castle.

"Oh. It actually was a castle. Who would've thought?" Pluto remarked.

"You, apparently." Pinky replied.

"Oh."

Pluto summoned his gauntlet, a necromancer trick he had invented, then busted down the gates, only to see Dionysus on the other side, grinning from ear to ear.

"Ha ha. Too slow." Dionysus chuckled and stuck out his tongue.

Pinky rolled her eyes and everyone continued. The castle was bare and featureless, and the bricks were crumbling. Dionysus frowned.

"Don't try teleporting. They have alarms. Also, it'll make you feel great pain." Pinky said.

"I'll go." Bob said, running to the wall. When he got to within a foot of it, he jumped, and resumed his sprint upwards, on the castle walls.

"Impressive." Kaiser said.

Bob leaned against the wall, near the arrow loop, and pressed his ear to it. He crawled in, and a few seconds later, he gave them a thumbs up, just as the drawbridge lowered without a sound. The hollow men that noticed were quickly impaled with shadowy tendrils.

Bob weaved in and out of rooms, staying in the shadows, avoiding confrontation with enemies if possible. He was silent. He was invisible. He was-

A fist collided with his face, and in the last seconds of consciousness, he saw a pale, skinny man who chuckled to himself menacingly.

**Chapter 2:Part 5**

**Dionysus Twist**

It was a strange feeling, a feeling that he was being watched. Dionysus didn't like that. He should be the one watching. Anger bubbled inside him, but the cold dampened it. He looked over at Pluto Foul, who was not showing any signs of discomfort in the slightest.

Pluto stopped and looked at him.

"You're shivering," Pluto said, "Why are you shivering?"

"It's cold, idiot."

"It's not _that_ cold. And I don't like being called an idiot. It's degrading."

"Shut up."

"No."

Pinky glared at Pluto.

"Shut. Up. I will bite you." She warned.

Pluto continued walking.

Dionysus tried to go back to the feeling of anger. It warmed him up but he felt something wasn't right. His anger was being sapped. He had a constantly replenishing supply of anger, though. Still. He didn't like it.

Suddenly, he felt arms wrap around him, pulling him into darkness.

**Chapter 2:Part 6**

**Vigorous Firm**

Vigorous summoned a flame. It was getting way too cold. What if he got stuck here forever? He knew he shouldn't have separated from the group. He was a mercenary, but depression washed over him. He felt like curling up in a corner and crying.

"Need help?"

Blue light radiated from a sword. The sword was held by a hand. Attached to the hand was an arm. The person owning the arm was smiling, with long, blue-black hair flowing over his shoulders like water. Bob frowned. Was the sword making him depressed? It seemed to be that way.

"I'm talking to you." The man said, still grinning.

"Yeah. Yeah. I do." Bob replied.

"You're not getting any, though." The man said, "I was hired to get you."

He laughed like it was the funniest thing in the world.

"I'm not letting you." Bob said, but knew it wasn't true. All his determination was gone, replaced by a deep sadness and longing for home.

The man closed in.

"I'm afraid you have no choice." The man said, and touched the tip of Vigorous' head with his sword, making him black out.

**Chapter 2:Part 7**

**Pluto Foul**

Pluto had had enough. He wasn't going to put up with this maze any longer. He started hammering away at the floor with his gauntlet.

"Stop it." Pinky said.

Pluto kept hammering.

"I said STOP!" Pinky yelled, her adept magic adding power to her scream.

Pluto stood up and glared at her.

"I will destroy whoever made this maze. I will torture their families. Please, just stop." Pinky said.

"Fine." Pluto said.

It was a rare occurrence, silence. As soothing as it was, it was eerie. Pinky appeared to be feeling the same way.

"Lovely weather." Pluto said, trying to break the silence.

"Mm?"

"The weather. It's lovely."

"Sure."

They didn't try any more conversation. Pluto started to feel seriously scared. Yellow light shone from the end of the corridor. He walked towards it cautiously. He sincerely hoped it wasn't a trap, because he was feeling very scared indeed.

It was a trap.


End file.
